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Red Elephants

Nightmare on I-59

The trek back from Baton Rouge to Central Alabama on a Sunday, win or lose, is the most miserable journey in the entire United States.  Louisiana, north of New Orleans, and Mississippi are not good states for scenery.  Bathroom stops for urination are minimal because a person’s body will soak up the whole gallon of Pedialyte necessary after the weekend, but the corndogs, nachos, and whiskey will force multiple encounters with the many stained toilet seats along the highway.

We once attempted to drive from South Louisiana to Birmingham, Ala., in one leg but made it no farther than Tuscaloosa and had to camp out until Monday morning on a couch owned by several Alabama princesses.  The stay would’ve been enjoyable, in the company of such generous and beautiful college girls, but we spent the entire night convulsing, with our sweating heads submerged in a toilet, gacking up the sins of the previous days and nights.  At least that toilet seat was clean.   

So if planning to travel to Baton Rouge this weekend from Alabama (or anywhere else), read these tips for behavior in Tigerland to avoid driving that hellacious highway with any more bruises or cracked ribs than necessary.

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